(author's note: I wrote this in 2009 for a personal journal, yet I still feel it's relevant today. I posted it as a 'living well' blog , hoping it might inspire a few others to a new mindset, too.)
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For the record, I don’t credit Bernie Madoff for anything other than creating his own demise and disgrace. Nevertheless, I do feel grateful for discovering a few life lessons after the fallout from his multibillion-dollar investment scam that impacted my family, along with thousands of other innocent victims.
My family and I received a wake-up call one evening in early December 2008. It was late that night when my husband, a talented orthopaedic surgeon, arrived home from his annual office holiday party. He appeared emotionally distraught, worn out and clearly apprehensive about sharing some news of an alarming nature.
“My partners say we have nothing left”, he spoke softly to me.
“Nothing left? Where?” I remember asking, blindly unaware of the headlines blaring across the news channels that evening.
“Our life savings and my pension…it’s all gone. Stolen by Madoff!”.
I remember looking at him in disbelief. “Madoff? Who’s Madoff?” Before this moment, I had never once heard his name mentioned…not in our home, not in our social circles, not in our financial records, not anywhere. As I listened to my husband recount the scattered pieces of information, I was thinking, “Okay. (Breathe.) Our money. It’s gone. But we are sitting here in this beautiful home. Our adorable children are upstairs soundly sleeping. We are in excellent health and my husband still has his job. Okay. Our nest egg has been stolen. So now what’s Plan B?”
That night, we worked through ideas for “Plan B”. We argued, cried, brainstormed and finally, some time into the early hours of that dark winter morning, we finally went to sleep. I remember feeling exhausted, emotionally depleted, and alarmed about the uncertainties that lie ahead.
In the next morning, we awoke as different people, forever changed by this soon-to-be infamous man.
Through the painful months ahead, I watched as the staggering trauma unfolded on both macro as well as micro levels. On the grand scale, Madoff’s epic Ponzi scheme ruined the lives of thousands of good, hard-working, honest people. We learned that countless foundations and charities were wiped out and hundreds of people, some retirees or soon-to-be retirees, were now left with nothing.
On a personal level, Madoff’s massive deceit had devastated my life, too. Sadly, my husband’s spirit was broken, my marriage was left smoldering in ashes, and for a while, my own sense of security and well-being was gone. The new year of 2009 had arrived, but with it came dark days of anger, despair and a deep sense of loss.
Today I write this as the 1-year anniversary of that fateful night approaches, and there are still many unanswered questions and a continuous struggle for thousands of people. My husband and I are still on rocky ground from the loss. Yet, despite these setbacks, a few good changes have happened to me along the way.
For starters, I have chosen to move through the world on sounder footing. It is not by chance that I have grown into a bit wiser, more spiritually conscious and more grateful human being. To not only “survive” a personal crisis, but learn how to “thrive” coming out of it, has been a profoundly life-altering accomplishment for me.
Here are a few personal lessons I carry with me from the Madoff scandal:
Lesson#1: Listen To Your Gut.
How often to we hear those words but do not take heed? Never deemed “outstanding”, my husband’s pension return from Madoff's feeder fund generated above average growth each year. However, it was never enough for me to think, “Hey, wait a minute! That cannot be real!” Nevertheless, I do remember noticing it seemed unusual to watch his firm's return performing above other standard norms. I also questioned the rudimentary single page Word document called our "annual statement". Instead of listening to these quiet instincts, I ignored them completely and reassured myself, thinking, “How lucky we are to be with a New York investment team really in the know!”
Lesson #2: Respect Your Own Intelligence
When it quacks like a duck and waddles like a duck, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise…it’s a DUCK!
This lesson goes hand-in-hand with Lesson #1. We are all innately given infinite intelligence from God (or from The Universe, or from whatever Abundant Life-Source one wants to call it). I have now come to learn we must always respect this divine intelligence. When my gut warned me that something was a bit strange, I didn’t just ignore that intuition, I insulted my own intelligence by dismissing it!
After all, I wondered, how could a mere suburban housewife (albeit with an M.B.A.) even fathom how the returns from the great financial wizards on Wall Street were generated? All too humbly, I sat back and admired the “wisdom” of others, whom I assumed were far more knowledgeable on these matters than myself.
Lesson #3 Find the Time to Assess, Clarify and Examine Your Life
Coming from a middle class upbringing, I was initially unaccustomed to the new level of success and prosperity my husband and I began to enjoy early in our marriage. With our first home, we did the majority of our own landscaping, gardening, raking, painting, house repairs, etc. Nevertheless, the longer we were surrounded by the world of abundance, the easier we found to spend money and hire out for this work and more.
Following the Madoff scandal, I found, as many others have, that we actually can do with much less. Also, I discovered that some of our spending was in fact, not only wasteful, it had little-to-no intrinsic value to me or our family.
Luxuries such as a personal trainer, bi-weekly cleaning help, and even my children’s piano lessons (which they really never enjoyed) were surprisingly easy to part with post Madoff.
When the garden needs weeding now, I go out to enjoy the nice weather. When the floors need cleaning, I hand the kids the vacuum cleaner. Instead of ordering all those Amazon books every month, I visit the good old-fashioned public library.
Examining my personal values and prioritizing my families’ choices has helped me to redefine who I am and what is truly meaningful in my life. Somewhere along the way, I must have pushed the auto-pilot button and slowly settled into an existence that was a cross between complacency and indifference. In that place, I had lost my sense of self and forgotten many of the core values that were always dear to me.
I am grateful to have found life lessons for my children as well.
Children’s Lesson #1. Believe that People Are Essentially Good.
I know. It sounds pretty corny, but I am learning to teach my kids there is a balance between cynicism and trust. During the days, weeks and months following the Madoff scandal, they lived in fear that some other bad guys “like Madoff” were going to come break into our house and steal whatever belongings we had left.
I had to remind them that this wasn’t true. The world is in fact, not “filled” with bad people wanting to do us harm at every corner. In contrast, the world is actually inhabited with many more kind, respectful, honest human beings. I am teaching my children to find a way to keep their fears at arm’s length and to still trust in the goodness of others. Just be aware not to trust ignorantly, nor blindly!
Children’s Lesson #2. “From Lemons to Lemonade”
You know the saying, “When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade” (or limoncello if you prefer). Bad things do happen to good people. I wanted my children to know this is a fact of life. I want them see that it is what we do with the sour lemons, the bad luck, and life’s hardships, that matters most. I hope they will avoid being shackled by a “victim mentality” when the tough times come their way.
My children watched as I first simply discussed the idea of working again, and then months later, landed a marketing consulting job with my former employer. I explained that life works itself out if you allow it to unfold with an open heart.
My return to work has become a blessing in many ways. Finding my old self, the “pre-kids” self, who poured time and energy into work that I loved and with people I admired was exhilarating. Explaining to the children why they now have to help with the laundry, the dishes, and the light cleaning has also been a great blessing. I remember my daughter once asking me “But Mommy, why do you need another job, don’t you already have one being our Mommy?” “Yes”, I explained, “but this additional job pays me for my work!”
Children’s Lesson #3: Every Action Has a Reaction and a Consequence
Naturally, my 7 and 9 year olds have already experienced this lesson when they get grounded for negative behavior. However, following the Madoff scandal, I was able to explain to them that this rule doesn’t only apply to children; it pertains to everyone. Grown-ups make bad choices, too. Some people, like Bernie Madoff, make REALLY bad choices, and his bad choices hurt thousands of people.
The day Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison was a momentous day in our house. Not only was justice served, but more importantly, my children were able to tangibly see the consequences of a person’s wrongdoings.
“I would not want to be Bernie Madoff”, commented my son one day.
“Me neither!” chimed in my daughter. “Prison is awful and now he has to live each day remembering all that money he stole from so many nice people!”
A mother can’t help but smile when her children finally “get it”. Amen. Now, I only hope they carry these lessons past 2010, into their teenage years and beyond. For me, I hope I transcend this honeymoon period of “Aha! Moments” and apply these lessons throughout the rest of my life. I think I am finally starting to “get it”, too!
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